First Christmas

[on_ur_left]

Glancing back to make sure Rogue was still in the bathroom around the corner, Steve stopped fiddling with his tie, and went over to his closet. Keeping one ear trained on the quiet sounds of Rogue moving around, he ducked down and pulled out his portfolio bag. Along with the shield he always stored in there, underneath the shield was a wide, fairly flat box that he pulled out. He flipped the lid open to make sure nothing was tangled, reaching out with a finger to delicately rearrange a few pieces, before snapping the lid shut.

Taking a deep breath, he repeated to himself that he could do this. Giving a gift had never been so nerve-wracking, honestly; he hoped Rogue liked it. She'd probably accuse him of spoiling her, especially once he explained that this wasn't his actual Christmas gift to her. But he'd seen it in the window of a little indie clothing store a few blocks away, and had immediately known it would look stunning on Rogue.

Right. Okay. Time to do this. Straightening up and shoving the bag back in the closet with one foot, he passed a hand over his suit and slacks to get rid of any wrinkles from crouching, before moving toward the bathroom.

Comments

[on_ur_left]

Steve didn't quite catch himself before he swiped a hard hand over his face; it wasn't a great gesture, but he was so exasperated with her he couldn't tell if he wanted to laugh or scream. Neither, was the option he had to go with, but both urges were pretty strong at the moment.

Instead, he took a deep breath, and sighed. "This is always-- whether you live here or not, no matter how you feel about it, this is always your home, to me. I mean--" he gestured around the bathroom and out the door into the hallway to encompass the rest of the apartment, with the lights lining the walls, all the little touches everywhere that spoke of her time there. "If nothing else, that kitchen is 100% yours," he teased, because at this point, he needed a little levity.

"But this is all your choice. I'm not gonna go over to your apartment some night and steal all your stuff and put it here and force you into anything - kinda the exact opposite of what I want. But I... I want you to choose me." He couldn't quite hide the longing and lingering hurt from before in his voice. "As for whether we get sick of each other - trust me, we will. I may have never lived with a romantic partner before, but I've lived with someone my entire life. You get comfortable with someone, the shine wears off, things get on your nerves, you fight." He shrugged insouciantly. "I've got my studio, you've got your kitchen. We go cool off, or I go for a jog, or-- whatever. That's how relationships are supposed to work. I don't give up on things I want, and like it or not, Marie LeBeau, I want you, and I'm not gonna stop. You're stuck with me." His lips quirked in an endearing smile, remembering saying those words so often when they first started their unlikely relationship.

[theycalledmeacurse]

It had been a while since she'd heard him give one of his speeches like this, probably because it had been a while since she'd needed one. Back in those early days, she'd been scared and skeptical, wanting to throw herself all-in to this relationship but worried that it wouldn't be everything it seemed. It had been wonderful, though, Steve had been wonderful and kind and understanding and funny... and she'd been able to move away from her doubts. Just not permanently, it seemed.

"I'm glad I'm stuck with you," she assured him with a faint smile in return. "Because I am choosing you. If you still want me to live here with you after all this, then I want that too. I just... I need you to understand why I'm so exasperating when it comes to these things." Oh yes, she'd noticed his reaction.

Holding her hands out to him palm-up, she instructed, "Have a look, then I want to go sit down. I need to tell you about my Mama Raven." It was a name she'd never spoken to him and had never planned to. Even now, the words were laced with pain.

[on_ur_left]

Steve ducked his head with a wry, caught-out sideways smirk as she mentioned being exasperating. Since he was already looking down as she held out her hands, it was easier to focus on reaching out to cup her palms, hiding his natural reaction to her last words. Even without hearing the change in her voice, the words themselves told Steve this was probably a story he was going to get very angry about, and protective of her.

To take his mind of that, at least for a few moments, he began inspecting her hands, running his thumb in lines up and down her palm, glancing up through his lashes to judge her reaction, to see if he hit any tender or painful spots. He couldn't even see any new pink scars anymore, just unblemished skin.

With a sickening clarity, Steve realized that this was how Rogue had gotten her scars. Not like this - as long as there had been a healing 'donor' she wouldn't have gotten any scars. But at some point, there hadn't been one available, and the bastard scientist butchers hadn't cared, had stripped bits of flesh off her back anyway.

It was a good thing he'd already made fairly sure that nothing was left under her skin, because it took every ounce of Steve's self-control not to instinctively clench his hands into fists; which, while he was holding Rogue's hands, would've hurt her, not to mention sent entirely the wrong message. Instead, he pulled her hands up slightly, bent his head, and kissed first one, then the other palm, right in the center.

"Right as rain," he murmured. "Okay. Let's go sit. Bedroom, or living room?"

[theycalledmeacurse]

Watching Steve's facial expressions, she could see that pause that meant he was thinking about something, and she had to wonder if he'd put together the pieces of how her power worked. Yes, she'd told him about it before, a number of times, but he'd never seen it. Even this was just a small display of what she was capable of, but it was this that would perhaps tell him the most about what her experiences had been like during the war.

"The bedroom," she replied just as softly, her nerves settling slightly at those sweet, tender kisses to her palms. "I don't wanna see the tree right now." They had lovely memories in that room with those decorations, she didn't want to taint them with the pain she was about to relive through sharing her past with him. Eventually one of them would need to clean up the kitchen, but it would keep. For now, they needed to talk about these things so they could move forward.

[on_ur_left]

Steve nodded, rubbing his hands over her palms, this time purely for comfort. "Okay. Come on."

Steve only let go of Rogue's hands once they were near the bed. He left her to get settled, while he moved toward the windows. He sidled up to the large windows almost as if he were approaching a wounded animal. He really didn't want to open the blinds, but the natural light would be good, and Rogue enjoyed the view. Steve could get over himself.

Overnight, the city had been covered in white powder, and the windows were coated in frost and ice along the edges. Steve made himself look at the frost and ice for a moment, letting memories of a frozen tundra rushing toward him swim through his brain, before deliberately turning back toward the bed, and Rogue. He wasn't going to get over his dislike of cold and snow and ice if he avoided it, and this way, maybe he'd start associating it with nicer things. At the very least, he had reminders that he wasn't frozen anymore, and the cold could touch him, but it couldn't consume him anymore.

Settling on the bed, Steve wasn't sure if he should hold Rogue, or if she'd want to hold herself apart while she told her story. Generally she liked the former, but he'd learned that during emotional talks, it was best to let Rogue lead. So he settled with his back against the headboard, and just tried to make himself look as comfy and inviting as possible.

[theycalledmeacurse]

Rogue climbed onto the bed, adjusting her pajamas as she curled her feet up under her. She watched Steve go to the windows and very nearly protested when she realized what he was about to do, but she knew that he'd made up his mind and wanted to do this for her benefit, regardless of how much he'd be bothered by the signs of winter beyond. So instead she waited for him for him to join her, staying close but not nestling in beside him as she usually would.

"I've told you before that I was given up when I was a baby," she began, reaching out to take one of his hands in hers. It was the only contact they had between them, but it was needed while she got everything out. "I was in and out of all sorts of foster homes that had a bunch of other kids -- I was just another paycheck. But then a woman named Raven Darkholme took me in and she was... She was the first mother I ever knew. The first person who ever made me feel like she was glad I was alive. She gave me my first birthday present, my first real Christmas with a tree and lights, she helped me with homework and read bedtime stories to me. She made me feel like I was loved."

[on_ur_left]

Steve listened, and desperately wanted to pull Rogue against him and comfort her. He knew this story didn't have the happy outcome she was so far explaining, just from the other things he knew about her youth. He kept his thoughts to himself, and tried to keep them off his face, just squeezing her hand in encouragement.

[theycalledmeacurse]

That little squeeze of support meant the world to her, and she tried to give him a grateful smile before continuing.

"I was with her for two years, and they were the best years I'd known up to that point. I thought--" Her voice broke a little, the pain still as strong as it had been all those years ago. "I thought she was going to adopt me. I really did. But then, one day she just left. I waited for her to pick me up at school, but a social worker came instead and told me that I was supposed to go with her. I cried and screamed and begged for my mama, and I didn't believe she wasn't coming back until the social worker took me to the house to get my things and none of her things were there."

Tears stung at her eyes, but she wiped them away with the back of her free hand. "I was adopted a few months later and I never heard from "Raven" again, at least not until I met her as "Mystique", a mutant who could change her form to look like anyone. She was Erik's right hand and helped him with everything-- Including the plan to kill me."

[on_ur_left]

Steve sighed quietly. Hearing the story helped put a lot of the pieces together for him, so he was relieved to finally know it, but his heart ached for tiny little Marie, only wanting love and acceptance, only to have it snatched away from her once she'd received it, and never getting the chance to know why.

Finally, Steve did something he hoped he wouldn't regret, and generally avoided; ignoring how Rogue had intentionally kept herself apart, seeming to want her space, Steve tugged on her hand until he could wrap her up in his arms, settling her against his chest and tucking his chin over her head.

Steve gave another sad sigh. "I know it hurt you, and I'm so sorry for that. Believe me, I know how things from childhood shape the person you are, and how you react to things." He stroked a hand over her hair, down her back, still speaking softly. "But you're not a child anymore, and I hope you know me better than Raven. I'm not going anywhere, and I'd never abandon you. I would never do that to someone I love."

His lips quirked, unseen, in a bittersweet smile. "I ever tell you what happened when I found out Bucky had been captured, during the war?"

[theycalledmeacurse]

There was more to that story, details that made it so much worse, but they could wait for another time. He didn't need to know all of those terrible things yet, or see the hatred she had for the woman she'd once loved as a mother. No, that could all come later.

She welcomed it when Steve pulled her against him, nestling in and taking comfort as he readily offered it. It took effort not to bristle at the comment that she wasn't a child anymore, but she knew that he hadn't meant it like that. At his question, she just shook her head.

[on_ur_left]

If Rogue had bristled, Steve would honestly be confused as to why; he'd meant nothing insulting by the comment, merely that as children, everything was always overly wrought with emotions and internalized guilt - Lord knew that's how his own childhood had been - and now she was old enough to understand circumstances and people better.

Kissing her hair after she'd shaken her head, he settled his arms around her a little more securely.

"Well, first of all, I was still doing stage shows. Captain America, proclaiming that everyone could help out the war effort by buying bonds, punching Hitler every night, showing off great feats of strength.

"It went over great in the States. For the troops in Europe, not so much." He gave a huff of self-deprecating humor, time and distance allowing him to see the ridiculousness of the whole thing, how silly it, and he, had been.

"When I was telling Peggy how foolish I felt, after being jeered off the stage after beginning to believe my own hype - she told me this particular troop had had it worse than most, because they'd just suffered a massive defeat, losing 250 of their men, and this was all that was left of the 107th.

"107 was the group Bucky was assigned to. When I went and asked after him, Col. Phillips told me basically if he wasn't dead already, he was as good as. He wasn't going to stage a rescue operation, because he'd already lost too many men. He was right; as a leader, I can understand where he was coming from, but... I couldn't accept that. He told me I wouldn't understand, because I was a glorified chorus girl, and to just keep my head down, and my mouth shut, basically. I didn't accept that, either.

"So I... with Howard and Peggy's help, I dropped from a plane, by myself, into the middle of enemy territory, infiltrated the base where the prisoners were being kept, and..." he shrugged. "Rescued them. All of them. I found Bucky, and we made it out of there.

"I could've been court-martialed. Should've been, actually. I was ready for it. I never thought I'd get away with it without punishment, but I knew I couldn't just leave him there. Even if he-- if he were dead, I had to know. I couldn't leave him," he repeated quietly. "He was one of mine, and you don't just leave someone you love, just because it's not easy, or fun."

[theycalledmeacurse]

Rogue listened to the story, remembering the videos and photographs she'd seen of those early days of his Captain America career. It had been so long ago, but for him it wasn't that long at all. She still couldn't begin to imagine what that was like for him. But while he thought the whole thing was silly, she knew that it had had an a lasting effect on the American people, whether he saw that or not.

Her hands held onto him, tightening as he spoke of his refusal to accept the decision to leave Bucky and all those men in enemy hands. It was so like Steve, a perfect example of his stubbornness and refusal to give up. It was something she loved him for, and she understood why he'd shared the story with her.

"What did I ever do to deserve you?" she mused softly, lifting her head to look at him. "I love you, sugar. So much. Thank you for sharing that with me." She moved to lean up to kiss him, but had to turn her head to yawn widely.

[on_ur_left]

Steve decided not to answer her question, letting it stand as rhetorical; his answer wasn't something she seemed willing to accept - that she didn't have to do anything to deserve him, he'd love her regardless - so he let it go.

He couldn't stop the small huff of laughter at her sudden yawn, though. "Well. I say it's Christmas, we've already opened presents; let's take a nap." He didn't need any more sleep, and might stay awake even if he laid for hours, now that his body was alert, but he wouldn't have suggested Rogue take a nap without him, even if he thought she'd agree. Which he knew she wouldn't.

[theycalledmeacurse]

She smiled sheepishly at that laugh, finally leaning in to press a kiss to his cheek. "How about you go get one of your new books to read while I sleep?" she suggested instead. "I know you're not gonna sleep any, and I don't want you to get bored."

[on_ur_left]

"Never gonna get bored," he murmured, pressing a soft kiss to her lips. He didn't deny that he wouldn't sleep, though, instead pulling away from her to get out of bed and head toward the living room. His stomach started to make itself known as he was trying to decide which book to start on first, so after making his selection, he detoured into the kitchen and grabbed a bag of cookies. It was his bed, he'd get crumbs in it if he wanted to.

Or...was it their bed, now? Rogue had said... what was it? She'd love to live there with him, if he was alright after she explained why she had problems like this, sometimes. Something like that. A concrete answer hadn't been given, but Steve was feeling much more optimistic than last night, as he moved back into the bedroom and got into bed beside Rogue.